Boys will be Boys

Isn’t it true? boys will be boys! Well I have 2, and the older they gets they remind me more and more of some one I no longer know, they remind me of my brother, as much as the things they do (and let me tell you there are a lot) make me smile and Laugh, there truly is a part of me that is dieing inside….more so with my eldest, his grin, his voice, the way he laughs, his sense of humour, even the way he teases his sisters. I watch in awe of this, as he really doesn’t know his uncle not the way I do/did my brother left our lives (not this world) 2 years ago which would have made my son six so really he has this miracle of my brother in him.

The last time we saw my brother he knew him to look at him but that was all, we were at my nephews christening and they asked if they could go over and say hello and of course I was more then happy to allow them, my younger 2 children don’t know my brother at all which is so sad as a matter of fact my youngest asked if he could go say to his uncle and I said sure so he started walking aimlessly throughout the church calling his name hoping to find him and eventually my brother heard him calling him and bent over and called him over and then at that moment my BABY did the only thing he new how to do HE PASSED SOME LOVE! Distance is a choice made by my brother, the only thing I can do is respect that decision as long as my brother can live with it then far be it for me to say anything I live with the piece of mind in the fact that NOBODY can make me stop loving him AND I DO!!!

My brother had this way of making anybody laugh at anything anytime, he would walk into a room and everyone in there new him, even if they didn’t, they wanted to, and by the time they left they would. Often times if I was out with my brother there was always someone calling his name and shaking his hand!! He truly is and was an impressionable person, simply remarkable, how he would leave an imprint on your soul!!! He has a wedding coming up that I do know and I wish him all the best in his decision!! No I don’t know when or where and even if I did NO I probably wouldn’t go not if I wasn’t invited. He needs his space I guess to find himself or be on his own.

I hear word from a few people that my brother is down, and that it almost seems that the sparkle he had is gone or hidden… sad….. He has a love that can light up a room. He had this bond to family that no one ever thought would be severable, but somehow it has been. He ALWAYS put family first, every special occasion you knew he would be there, and you knew you would be Laughing until you cried. I recall one Sunday afternoon he sat holding my baby of two weeks (who is now eight years old), and he looked up and said “I love this little boy so much I can’t imagine loving him more, and as a parent you would, but I can’t imagine it, I just love him so much I can’t imagine not having him a part of my life” and as I write those words I hear his voice and I tear up.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my brother, especially being that I actually work a block away from his work, and my boss shares his name, and my son is his name sake. I die a little, but I take strength from the fact that the 2 little boys I live with each have so many characters that remind me of him, and you know I get to live with some of my brothers best qualities, it is like growing up with him all over again. I would take his teasing me back, if it meant I could spend a day with him again. My eight year old has the same spark as my brother, he has this awesome way of walking into a room and grabbing your attention and just putting you in stitches, he is witty, and handsome, and brilliant, and caring, and sweet, and perfect in his imperfect way!!!! I believe if these qualities are strong enough to be found in my sons, who don’t even really know my brother, then they are not gone in my brother, just buried or stunted. These are my boys and they are my link back to my own child hood, and they will hopefully always be in my life, I truly can not imagine my life with out them. They are my sons, and like my brother, that is something no one can ever change, or take away !!! I will always have the memories it that is where I get my strength, and my hope, hope of knowing my brother once again!!!

Do Two Wrongs Ever Really Make a Right!!!

So as of recent I have been given reason for this blog. Do two wrongs ever really make a right?? I would most likely have to say NO!!! However at this moment I am going to say that it can, if you really want it to.

You see, I see this blog as my way of speaking my voice, and not having to deal with the rebuttals of everyone's opinion. This is my way of speaking my mind, it is my deepest thoughts, pain or gain it is MY truth!! I would love to believe that those who read this would respect that, if they feel differently they can simply close the window and never look back. However if the person continues to read I would hope that they realize, these are my thoughts and personal opinions and sometimes experiences. I don't expect you to have the same opinions, I expect that you would have your own.

Today I learned that, that isn't always the case. I know that I have mentioned the whole scenario of the stresses in my life are the ones I need to leave behind, and most days I am sent reasons to reinforce this choice....

I learned that there are always positive and negative dwellers who are in and out of your life, and although you try your best to surround yourself with the positive things in life, the negative things and people feel the need to try to work there way back in. I have come to see for myself who the "negative Dwellers" in my life were and as hard as it was for me to do, I had to make the conscious effort to remove them from my life once and for all. This truly was hard for me as they were people I considered close friends and some were even family and that made it even harder.

To clarify what I mean by "negative dwellers" it is the people I found that thrived on telling me the negative things, and almost feeding or getting joy from the negative things that were going on (either in other peoples lives or in mine) and just had to share in the negative, these were the people who would say or start their sentences by saying "you wont believe what so and so said about you it may hurt but I felt you should know so I am only saying this to help...." then after seeing, hearing or witnessing the anger that it would bring me, they would sit back and bask in the glory of there "negative dwelling" and sometimes if they wouldn't receive the reaction they were hoping for they would stoke the fire with more NEGATIVITY truth or not.... These people are "Negative Dwellers". However as soon as I would ask them to prove their said accusations it quickly started to end. I saw that when they were no longer getting the reaction they had hoped for they would quickly SHUT UP!!!!

Now it seems that even though I have cut these "negative dwellers" out of my life and surrounded myself with the people who help reinforce the positive, the "negative dwellers" still feel this underling need to know what is going on in the world of Shanna, along with any juicy tidbit that they can find, and if they can find a way to flash it negatively they surely will!! Do I begrudge them that??? Absolutely not I find myself to be a "people person" and hey, I have a LOT of friends that love being a part of my life, and have become like a family to me and really they accept me for me better than some of my family ever have!! So NO I don't blame them for wanting to know what is going on in my life as a matter of fact, I thank them, it gives me a feel good feeling.... because I now know that a small part of them still cares and still needs to know about me!!

I know that some of those "negative dwellers" read this blog, and I want to say Thank you for wanting in, but I ask you with all the love in my heart that you please enjoy all the negative you were able to dissect from my blog, and my life to yourself, outside my bubble where you have proved to me once again is exactly where you belong!!!

I love you so much, I always will, but I just feel there is no place for you in my life. Not having you, and your negative ways in my life has made me a happier person which in turn makes me a better friend to those who appreciate me and want to me as such, and most of all it has made me a better wife and mother.

You can deny this till your blue in the face, and I am pretty sure I heard your NEGATIVE scoff, and belittling chuckle when you read the part that said "I now know that a small part of you still cares and still needs to know about me" but in all reality if it wasn't true, then I have one Question to ask you and that is, why are you still reading this? Caught yourself huh? can't answer that can you? Well let me say I LOVE YOU, and Thank you for still having an ounce in you to care, or to even read what it is I had to say!!! I Love you because you were a part of my life that was one great big learning experience, and what I have learned from all of you I couldn't have gotten from a book or from a teacher.

What saddens me most is that I know that some of the "negative dwellers" who were once a part of my life have read MY blog, and have decided to dissect it, then they took the feelings, thoughts, and honesty from this very blog, to impose a negative feeling in someone's life, what hurts more is that I know that it worked... and that to me is shameful, because that isn't the intent in which I write this blog for. They will say till the day they die that, that wasn't their intent but then I truly have to ask what positive came from what they did?

I view this blog as a forum, a void, where I can send my thoughts out into the unknown. I will admit that some of the things that I have blogged weren't always of a positive element. The positive in them was the affect it had on me, to put the crap out into the void, and let the void deal with it, essentially I was letting it all go, because really if I can't be honest here then why the hell would I bother??? I love being able to put my "crap" somewhere so as to not way myself down any longer!!! That to me is a positive!!!

So to those of you who are dissecting my blog, (that is your right, I am well aware) I ask unto you one small favor, for every negative you try to find in my personal thoughts, feelings, and events in my life (good or bad) I would love for you try to find one positive way to use it on others, instead of trying to use it to hurt others, or to reinstate animosity between people who may still be trying to pick up the pieces of their own life. I really hope that all the "Negative Dwellers" that may read this try to be a help not a hindrance in the lives of the people that they may encounter daily in life... I hope you will try to help pick the pieces up with them instead of knock the pieces all back down again, maybe even try to be the carrier for once, it is a lot to ask, and you can not help yourselves, I know!!! It is a sickness, I know, and I love you in spite of it!! After all the first step to loving, or knowing how to love, is to feel loved!! So please know that no matter where I am in MY life, I love all of those whom I no longer can bring myself to be surrounded with!! I will always treasure the POSITIVE memories that I have of you(all be it few)!!!

I WILL and HAVE posted all kinds of things from arguments to general rants with NO additions and NO deletions (except names) because it is what its is, and it was most likely a learning experience and I wouldn't trade it for the world, BUT if you DON'T like it, then please, DON'T read it!!!

Most of all BE BLISSFUL!!!