One Small Glimpse.....a Child like Faith

So Christmas is drawing near and it is my most favourite time of year!!!! It is the time of year that I feel warm and cozy inside, the closeness that we feel with our family and friends it all seems like such a magical time!!!! This year has been difficult for me to be in the mood, I have no clue really as to why..... a few guesses yes, but don't really know the exact reason!!!

Some of my guesses may be that since our move life seems as though it has been thrown into high gear, or maybe perhaps because I haven't spoken to nor have I heard from my brother in over a year.... Except when my husband (Dh) ran into him at the airport while checking in for a flight there he was and my brother asked him how the kids and I were, my Dh said "Shanna's good, she misses you like crazy, but she is good", or maybe because my sister and I are still on rocky territories with each other, especially since a little shit hit the fan again with her and I, due to an E-mail sent to me from her, my Dh decided to intervene and write her back before it became another E-mail war like 8 months ago, funny thing is she has been as quiet as a mouse since, we haven't heard a peep!!!! Not always a good thing though

Truly though I just think it is that life has changed DRASTICALLY in all aspects of the word and all the way around. We have been so busy settling into our new lives that we haven’t had time to realize that Christmas has arrived! Now don't get me wrong we aren’t all BAHUMBUG-ish we have 4 kids and they are super excited and we have been keeping busy every weekend with Santa parades and Christmas related activities, but when I think of all the things we still have yet to do to keep it feeling like Christmas I get a little bit of anxiety!!! I have yet to plan our annual family portraits, baking, Christmas Eve gathering, I haven't even started Shopping for ANYONE, and our list is larger this year. Then there is all the Christmas Parties we have been asked to attend, and New Years parties as well!!!! Another thing that has changed is that I am now working Monday to Friday while the kids are in school for a crappy pay and a highly demanding position and I die a little more everyday that I have to go to work there, I really feel that it is taking a little piece of me away each day!!! I look forward to the kids Christmas break as they will need me home with them therefore I get a bit of a break too!!! So I am on a constant hunt for that dream full time job that pays enough to make it worth my while to put the kids in the daycare that I already have lined up!!!

So my DESPERATE Quest for the dream job leads me to the reason for my post!!! I recently had an interview with a job placement agency and of course it was downtown in the heart of the city where there was/is no parking available EVER!!! Being that I am married to someone in the Law enforcement field I know that the parking is strictly enforced in our city ESPECIALLY downtown so I chose to park in a parking lot 1 block away from the building where my interview was, and crazy as I was to pay $12.00 for 45 minutes it was well worth it!!! Now being that my search for parking in the city had made me pressed for time for this interview I rushed myself from the car to the building, failing to really take notice as to where I really was. The interview went well but since I am not the only person in my city that is on a quest for the perfect job it truly will be like a rat race to find something fast!!

As I left the building with the hopes and promises of something GREAT, I smiled as I slowly strolled back to my car taking in the city and all its Beauty! The city was just so pretty, I caught a glimpse of what I usually was in such a hurry to get away from, there were people every where, a Salvation Army Rep. ringing his bell right there on the corner! Some people who were taking there time like me, some people in there own hurried little world, some on a lunch break, some shoppers, some tourists, and some just working!!

There I was a small person in this giant city taking in all its beauty steam coming from the man hole covers, people bundled in coats with scarves and mitts with rosy cheeks and eyes glistening from the frostiness in the air, it all made the city feel so warm and safe for some reason! Then as I strolled down the street I took notice of something magical. I walked past it on my way to the interview without even a care, but I stopped dead in my tracks and stared long enough to make up for my ignorance earlier. I stopped in front of a tall 20 some story building with tinted windows and brown brick. In the lobby window to this building were 2 maintenance workers setting up Christmas decorations they were setting up a tree to be specific, and had evidently already hung the garland filled with lights and bows, it was so pretty and so magical to me. Magical enough to make me feel 9 years old again, I found myself just standing there looking all the way to the top of the building and back down and just taking it all in examining the whole building.

You see at that very second I realized that there I was standing in front of the very same building that my mother worked in when I was a young child right to the age of 15. Every year our mother would bring us to work with her on Christmas Eve for a party. It was always a very exciting time of year for me it was the start to our Christmas traditions. We would start the day by going on the city bus to work with our mother (like grown ups) and when we arrived we would go to the cafe downstairs to that building, which I would like to mention was indeed still there. We would play grown ups all morning at her work and then go to the lunch party and then in the afternoon we would head home to get dressed and ready for Christmas Eve mass followed by le Réveillon at my Aunts house, then home to bed so Santa would come. Christmas day was just as busy filling our day with an open house in our home. (Sometimes the number of guests reached 40+ adults and children) It was great, it was always the same, and I took great comfort in it every year. As I stood there feeling nine years old again, noticing that the decorations the gentleman were putting up were the same as when I was little, as was the Café, I had tears in my eyes not bad tears but good tears. I realized then and there that as fast as life is going right now, and as rapidly as things are changing…. I was warmed and comforted by the fact that some things NEVER change!!!! That building (although I was only standing there for a minute or two) was a secure exciting place for me still, 20 some years later! I walked away with that child like excitement inside, I remembered walking the same sidewalk with my mother and sister and brother, through the same parking lot, towards the SAME "Holt Renfrew" store!!!

Now I realize to some of you this is probably the most corny and cliché blog you have read or that I have written for that matter, but I am writing this because in my 30 years of life this was the first real glimpse into my past that I have ever had, and yes it could be a testament to my age I am sure, it is my reason for the Christmas spirit this year. I feel that Christmas is something only truly enjoyed with child like faith, and that one small glimpse into my past or shall I say glimpse back to my childhood has been what has restored my child like faith this year. That one moment has been my reason for battling the crowds at Santa Claus Parades, battling the grouchiest shoppers in the stores, putting up the decorations, playing Christmas music, and trying to keep Christmas the most wonderful and exciting time in my children’s lives. (As much as in my own) I am trying to keep it as real, as secure, and as warm a time of year for them, that they may too look back in there adult years and have a small glimpse of there childhood traditions, causing the excitement to come rolling back, restoring in them the real meaning and feeling of Christmas, helping them to remember that the happiness, security, and warmth is the real and true meaning of Christmas not money gifts and greed....

So as I close now and take advantage of the next 16 days of preparation I thank you for taking a walk down memory lane with me, I hope and pray that the spirit of Christmas touches you as it did me, and that you may too take a walk down your own memory lane and restore your child like faith this Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas, Felize Navidad, Joyeux Noel!!!!

Ahhh My Little Butterfly!!!!

Butterfly's fly away!!!!

So I know it has been a long, long time since I have posted anything on here, and while I would love to touch on why and what has happened since my last post this post has a more important story to be told!!! I promise I will be putting up a TON of posts soon about all that has transpired, please bare with me it is in the works!!

Today however is a special day, which deserves a special story!!! Today marks a very big Milestone in my life! Nine years ago today a very special person entered my life and changed everything important to me forever!!!! I lost control of everything that was real in my life, all meaning to my life up until 9 years ago was then and there futile and minuscule at that juncture in my life I received my very first true and real reality check!! It was the most wonderful and surreal moment of my life and I wouldn't trade it in for the world!!

Nine years ago today I gave birth to my first born, a Caterpillar was born, I was now a mother, and this little itty bitty thing trusted ME to help it grow. I was all it new and all it needed!!! I was given the gift of Guiding and Loving, at that moment I realized that even though I thought I was an adult, I too still had a lot of growing and learning to do myself !!! I learned at that moment that regardless of my numerical age was as nieave as that little girl I was holding in my arms!!!

At that moment I made a promise to that little girl that I would love her, protect her, keep her safe, keep her warm, and keep her mine!!!! Well I decided at that moment that instead of trying to be the perfect mother, I was not going to attempt to fool her or myself, there is no perfect mother, there is no perfect child and there is no perfect human being!!! I promised her that I would not just guide her, but grow with her. I promised to be the perfect person she would need to help her grow.

I was fooling myself with one thing though, I could not keep her mine, and now nine years later I have learned that I dont want to, even if I could why would I? I have watched this little Catterpiller grow and now as her life speeds up a part of me wants to slow it all down, her life is beginning to form she is caccooning and molding herself into whatever it is she will become and as I look at her photos from birth to now, I have no doubt in my mind that when this beautiful caterpillar turns into a beautiful butterfly, with tears in my eyes I will say butterfly FLY AWAY!!!!

Channel #3, My three Rocks and Mending Hearts

I move in 1 day and I find myself so emotional, since we moved here I have had some really wonderful people enter my life, I find myself praying that they will remain there…. At the same time I find myself remembering what my mother always told me, that God places people in your life, some for a lifetime, and some only to leave memories for a lifetime!
I have 3 best friends, we sort of think of ourselves as the sisterhood of the traveling pants. Although we never grew up together, you would think that we did. We feel each others pain, near or far we feel each other.
One of my sisters we will call her T moved to Calgary almost 2 years ago, and although we hoped she was gone for only a short time, we all new in our hearts it would not be. We exchanged tears and laughter and we miss her. We always look forward to our time with her when she is here and as a matter of fact she is getting married this September, so she will be here in June and again for her WEDDING in September which I might add will be a PARTY!!!!
The next of my sisters I will refer to as A and she is a wonderful and almost flawless whole hearted person, she is someone I don’t think I can go a day without speaking to. She just had her first baby last September. She has been through a LOT, she has been through more things in her short lifetime then anyone I know, yet she always has a smile and a supportive shoulder to cry on…. We just found out that A. may be relocating to Winnipeg or as we call it WINDIPOO because her Hubby is possibly relocating for a job, and as we all know the whole part of growing up, is moving on to bigger and better things, we all need to do what is best for our lives and our families. Even if that means that the things we need aren’t always what we want. Although I would love to keep her a short little car ride away they would be silly to turn such a fantastic opportunity away!!! There will be many long distance calls to come I see!!!!
The 3rd but not least I will refer to as L. FOR LOVE, with her I always feel loved. She loves me for everything even the bad, she is the one who holds my hair back while I spew!!! She is someone I can only dream of being as great as. She is to me like the wind is to air!!! Without her I have no air !!! I don’t know that she realizes how great and wonderful I think she is, I think she has to be the strongest and most loving person I know, I can not go a day without speaking to her either, even it is just to call her machine and say “hey it’s me….”
Tonight as I tucked my little 4 year old into bed I felt a pain I think never goes away, she has a little friend at school that apparently is so close they are inseparable when they are together. Well tonight she asked me how many more days she has left to spend with her friend and when I told her 1, her face grew long a single tear fell from her eye, and instantly I new where her heart was...... she was torn between the happiness of the move and all the new things to come and the sadness of all that she is leaving behind…… she asked me if it was too late to change her mind about moving, and when I told her it was she asked “what if I never see her again She will forget me” I reassured her and told her that as hard as leaving will be time heals all wounds. I told her that we would send a card to school for her friend so that her Mommy will have our number, and that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I tried to think of, and say all the things I remember my mother telling me, I so badly wanted to tell her that she will never know this pain again but I could not because that would be a lie. I know that this is only the first time my little Lovebug will ever have her little heart broken. I truly had never thought I would be dealing with this at this age but then hey life has a funny way of throwing those random fast balls.
So as for my heart, yes it is breaking a bit, and I am torn with everything I am leaving, and everything I am about to endure. I am overwhelmed with all of it. Although I will still be only a car ride away, I am going to be a longer car ride away so it is like changing chapters in life and I only hope and that my 3 rocks will still be in the next chapter. Life moves on either way and I will enjoy the time with them, either in person, or memory.... I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!
This is a poem sent to me from L. and I hope to draw strength from it to help mend my sweet 4 year olds breaking little heart!!!


What Comes Of Tomorrow
by Christine

Joy is what fills the heart of they
which hold within the mysteries of a friend
A passion unknown unto words
Within them fall the tears of all things they endure as one
And from their eyes diamonds fall,
So precious every one
Dear within, the memories they caress with sorrow
And gather them today, for what may come of tomorrow
Priceless
Priceless ever are these moments that we spend with those so dear
Comforting now to know that they are near
Yet there comes a day when they see the eagle soar
And feel within their hearts
A passion so much more
As we stand beside them when that gleam glows in their eyes
What comes of tomorrow
My friend's lost paradise
And though a distant barrier wells up within the heart
There is a joy inside
To know the joy of a dawning start
Standing there beside them on that road to paradise
We say farewell and weep
Knowing they must also compromise
And so we hold them close and whisper in their ear
Please take with you these memories.
Then from the eyes,
Your tear.

As your day comes near, I just want you to know, I love you.
And yes I will miss you an things will change, but......
I know we will grow stronger.

I love you very much xoxoxo

Channel #2

So I am moving in 10 days…… 10 DAYS!!!! I can’t help but wonder if we will actually be able to pack up our the lives in fit it on to 1 little 24 foot truck??? It just seems inconceivable to me that the property of 6 people our whole life will in fact fit on that truck!!!
I had truly hoped that I would be more ready and packed then I am now!! I packed the basement last night, the basement in this house is #1 our storage area #2 our Laundry area #3 our Play room /office and I have to say it was the one area that was my dreaded area!!! I find it amazing that we as humans will keep things like gift bags reuse and then forget that we have them and go buy more when we need one!!! Yet for some reason we keep keeping them?? I found stuff down there that I don’t / can’t remember why I even had it!!! My four children have more toys then the country of China and it is mostly likely accurate seems as how they make it and we buy it!!!
I have four children and they are all really excited to move and I think they are most likely feeding off our energy as they usually do!!! When we last moved they were younger it was a hard yet easy move they sort of went with the flow and enjoyed the ride yet this time they want to help and God bless their little hearts for wanting to help but the OCD in me says NO WAY !!! I can’t help but think you want to help pick up your toys stop leaving them where ever you play with them HAHAHA!!! Life long battle I know but it is one of my dreams!!
As of right now we have 36 boxes exactly Yes I know the exact number of boxes sick I know!!! Have I mentioned I have a little OCD in me?? Well actually DH says it ids the OCD in me I just say it is good sense. I have a system every bow that gets packed gets a number from 1 to whatever and I right the location to where it will belong in the new house for example Box #1 Living room FRAGILE - all sides of the box is marked with its number the number is then marked in my trusty little MOVING note book/Organizer beside the box number is the Boxes future destination and a list itemizing everything that the box contains……. A little Martha Stewart but you know something it works, it is the only way I know how to be especially with 4 kids and a DH who always seem to ask where is the ……… (usually just after it gets packed) this way I just pull out my trusty little Note book and direct the person to the box # that holds the item in Question. Now some of you may ask “well what happens if you lose the book?” but I have that all covered you see I have a second book as a back up that I keep it all logged in as well!!!
I have really realized how much the chaos affects my children’s ability to keep with their regular responsibilities of life, they just don’t seem to remember where anything belongs. The minute I pick something up to put it in its proper home, and later return to the place it was just to find 5 more things in its place, this for someone like me who even in the chaos of moving still likes things to be in its place finds this very unnerving.
Yesterday we went out to the new house and hung some curtains I cleaned the Kitchen and got it ready for the dishes making un packing one step easier I plan to return to the house with hopes of cleaning the bathrooms and closets and maybe even the floors and even unload some the boxes which I have the gut feeling will surpass the 50 mark!!! Being at the house felt so surreal I felt as though I was trespassing but on my own property such a weird and thrilling feeling!!
Since the house is sooooo brand new we don’t even have our natural gas hooked up and I think I have been on the telephone with the Natural gas company more in the last 2 weeks than I have been with anyone else in my life not exactly what I hoped to be doing at this time but not really a choice if we want some heat on a cold night or even a hot bath or shower!!!
The children were registered to there new school and they are so excited. The school seems so great too it is a smaller school (country school) they were so excited to get to know the children. My eldest has a slight learn disability (I hate calling it that) and I was able to meet and chat with the resource teacher and she seemed so excited to work with my daughter which fills me with so much peace. The school that they are leaving has always treated my daughter as though she was an in convenience, they were in such a rush to get her tested (assessed) and then once she was it was all they could do to not have to deal with it. This school is so excited to meet her and her siblings. I found out that their JK program is a full day program 5 days a week as apposed to ½ day programs that my 3rd is in right now so as of 10 days from now I will have 3 kids in school full days and 1 home with mommy all to himself full days. I had a moment of panic for a few days due to the fact that I have always conditioned myself that it would be another 2 years before they would all be in school full days, now I have 4 months left till all my babies are all grown up!!!! I have to admit that the thought of a clean house for 6 hours is quite appealing to me, along with the thought of possibly going back to work or even school all very appealing choices none the less!!!
In and amongst all of the chaos and mayhem I still find one thing baffling, not upsetting just baffling and that is the fact that all of this still leaves me excited for the future, months ago this would all have caused me to have ulcers and panic attacks and now I welcome the excitement.
BRING IT BABY!!!!

Changing Channels in LIFE

Channel 1
Wow, it has been a while since I last blogged and to my 6 followers that I know of and those I don’t know of I truly apologize but here is an update on my life!!!!
After heeding the advise of my brilliant mother and diligently finding 5 new reasons every morning for me to wake up and get out of bed and deal with the riggers of day to day life, things have really changed for me. My reasons have ranged from little reasons like, the dog needs to pee and the kids are choosing to ignore her and I can’t anymore, to reasons such as I want to meet someone new and possibly change their life in some small way today, either way I have done it and you want to know something? It has worked not that I doubted the power of my own positive thinking, but I was in a position then that lead me to feel that there was no room for movement, I felt TRAPPED!!! I felt like a deaf mute at Bingo, that had bingo, trying to yell BINGO!!! I couldn’t even whistle!!! I felt stuck, I felt like I was a kid again playing on the escalader in the big department store trying to go up the down, but I am older and less energetic and loosing the battle, I was getting an ass wuppin’ and buy who???….. I will tell you who…… ME!!!! I was holding me back!
I have come to the conclusion, that in all reality I am the only one who stops myself from getting out of bed, I am the only one who creates the bad mood I am in, I am the only one who will keep myself from getting to the top of that escalator, not my age, not my size, not my health, they are just the things that I did to myself by succumbing to my own fears and negative thinking……. Me and only me!!!! By my trying to blame others for why my life is not on the track that I wanted it to be or hoped it would be, I am only making it worse and I truly believe that when you believe in the positive through higher powers be it God or Ala or Abba you will have it, and it will be yours. We are OUR own worst enemies. I now realise that although our minds were created to have so much good impacts on the world around us they are also through our freedom of choice a tool of destruction, if WE choose to use them as such…… WE CHOOSE how we destruct or build our lives day to day!!!
I choose to build, build up moving up is the only way I CHOOSE to go from this day forward and this is the promise I made to myself!!! My choice is to get to the top of the dang escalader…
Since this revolution in my life I am on a whole new road, I am traveling down a path I never thought was even an option for my life, it isn’t anything I could have imagined or dreamed …. IT’S BETTER!!!
Three days after making this promise to MYSELF my Husband and I made a great leap, a leap we thought was farther out of our reach then it really was…. WE BOUGHT A HOUSE!!! It is a brand new home fresh and clean with no other memories… a clean slate, a unpainted canvas for us to paint our own memories in!!! Our own house to finally call home!!! DH got a tattoo that matches the letters on mine to signify our children waiting for us after this chapter of our lives is completed. His tattoo is different and significant to him, I don’t feel tired anymore. I don’t sweat the small stuff, I smile all the time, I feel as though I have a life long perma-grin. I have let go of all that is/was weighing me down!!!! I can’t change the past and I don’t choose to, the past is what made me who I am today I only choose to learn from it. I don’t want to plan my future I want to enjoy it, and the only way to do that is to make the best of everything that is happening NOW!!!
I want to LIVE and I am. I can’t create the future, I can’t see it either I can only look forward to it!!! I am happy and now I have people telling me they see it they tell me I am glowing and I stand straighter, I feel taller, I speak with much more confidence and reverence not just for myself but for those I encounter daily.
I am HAPPY SOOOO HAPPY. I go to bed at night like a child at Christmas unable to wait for morning. My life has done a complete 180 and I have no clue what tomorrow will bring me, I don’t want or care to, I know it will be great because I will it to be so!!! Through the power of my spirit, and my GOD it will be wonderful because that is how it is intended to be, every day is a gift, not a given!!!
So as I pack up my life in boxes and embark on this wonderful journey (even packing is fun) I enjoy the look back on memory lane and the life I have had with excitement about what it will become last Friday I registered the Kids to their NEW school and we Received the KEY to our home I think of it as the KEY to happiness for the rest of our lives. Our last few weeks have been a little stressful but not a bad stressful an exciting stressful, we are enjoying the excitement of life and moving on some couples or families go away on extravagant trips to be together but this is all we want to do and the only place we want to be I feel as though we are finally going HOME!!!

Only to no Home we have ever known before!!!!

Life challenges me yet AGAIN!!!!

So life has handed me the challenges of challenges I started this blog thinking it was going to be one of those blogs that every blogger says you HAVE to do like a right of passage or something. What I am apparently supposed to do is take the fourth picture of the fourth file and blog about it or the person in it.

My mother has challenged me too, she knows how hard this whole situation has been for me and although she has not taken sides (I don’t expect her or anyone to this is our argument) she is supportive to Both of us and just hopes that things will resolve themselves or that we will let time heal our wounds and resolve things ourselves!!! Her challenge to me was this, before getting out of bed each morning think of 5 things I am thankful for in life, 5 reasons to get out of bed each day and they have to be different reasons everyday!!! Wow that can be tough but I am up for it!!!

Which brings me to the blog of the day you are probably wondering why the 2 things have anything to do with each other but well they do you see because although you can’t see her face the 4th picture of the 4th file is the one I have posted and IRONICALLY enough it is my Sister!!!!

So although she will probably never read this I want to tell you about MY SISTER!!!

My sister is a Sweet, kind, and caring person, she has a lot of love in her heart and in everything she does she is always thinking of others. All my life as a child I wanted to be just like her I wanted to dress like her talk like her and most of all be friends with her, BEST friends. I shared with her my deepest and darkest secrets and worries, she was/is like my second mother. We had our fights but we always got through. She is the 2nd most beautiful person I know my Mother is the 1st. We had a lot of the same friends in our teen and early adult years, I loved that because she was willing to have her little sister around!!! She is a peace maker and she wants ALL to get along. When she is hurt she cries and when you cut her she bleeds because she is Human!!! She was my maid of honour at my wedding and I would have it no other way!!! She was present for the birth of all 4 of my children, and was able to see all of them take their first breath!! She loves all of my children with all of her heart and would die for all of them, she loves them with the same love I do!!! If I died tomorrow she would be the closest biological connection my children have to me, and I know that she would keep me alive in their hearts. She has always been somewhat of a hero to me!!! Even though just like she is in this photo she has turned her back on me because she needs time and space, I will not turn my back to her!!!

Dear sister even though you may never read this, and we are angrier with each other than we ever have been I want to say you are going to be reason #1 for me to get out of bed tomorrow morning! You are my Sister and I love you and I will wait for you!!! Even though every moment that we don’t speak is ripping apart my heart I have faith in the lord above that this anger will not last forever!!!

So I hope you now see how both challenges are connected so I send this off into the void with the prayer that the Good Lord will help her meet me half way!!!!

You mess with the bull.....
You get the horns.....

I am a lover not a fighter....... Well sometimes but not always!!!

I thought there would be more time to give you a back ground on myself and where when and what my life growing up was like but as my luck has it NOPE!!! So in a nutshell you already know I am 30 well I am the youngest of 3 I have an older sister and brother and as much as I hate them I love them doubly!!! I recently had a “falling out” with my brothers future wife(F.W. From this point onwards) anyways since this disagreement he is (from what I can only imagine) forbidden to speak to me she did the same to him with our mother nearly 5 years ago and he has yet to reconcile with our mother.... She is really good at making him hold her grudges for her!!! Anyhow I am now in the same boat with our Mother as I am sure my Sister will soon be too, it is only a matter of time!!! So he and I have not spoken in app. 6 months and my sister does still speak with him when he can sneak her in literally!!!

Well just days before my birthday I had a Difference of opinions over the phone with my dear Sister and the conversation ended abruptly. I new calling her back would go no where so I simply sent her an email telling her that I was hurt by what she said to me and that I would let her be the first to contact me when she was ready. She pretend not to see the email even though I new she LIVES on her PC but she called asking where I was on my birthday, as I was supposed to spend that day with her and her new baby but given the circumstances never went!! After all I never heard from her so she needed more time!!! Well there in squats the TOAD!!! My husband told her that she may want to check her Email and find in that e-mail the reason I was not there!!!!

Well this transpiring has led to a long too long drawn out argument that I am sure will get resolved but has also instilled that fact that I need to clean house, and eliminate the stresses in it, or even the people that cause the stresses. I have also come to realize that the relationship I had with my sister is gone and will never be the same, and while this saddens me greatly, I now know that I need to remember the good times and fog out the bad.I need to use the treasured moments for exactly what memories are there for, to trigger a smile, think of the moments that made us happy because they are after all the reasons we keep going through every day in this sometimes messy thing called life, it is the reason we get up every day, it is the reason we stress, and most of all it is our reason to keep moving forward!!! That is exactly what I have decided to do, I will keep moving forward, that is after all the motto the Robinson's lived by in the Disney movie Meet the Robinson's and well I think it is a pretty damn good idea.... Keep moving forward!!!! I will get up every day and keep making new memories, Treasure the old and wonderful ones, and leave out the bad... That is the wonderful thing about the human brain, we can use our own editing.... and although my new great memories may not include the same people in my old happy ones, I can in my heart be assured they will include people who love and appreciate me as much as I do them!!! I will always have the old memories to make me smile, because that is one thing NO amount of arguing, big or small, can ever take away from me!!! I will always keep my siblings and memories of them close to my heart, as I have now learned that is where they belong, and that is how we get along best.... in a memory!!!

That said, those of you who have read this blog and post before will notice that this post has been drastically edited and that is because of a comment left that made me realize somethings are better left in a fog!!! Thank you Daniella my house cleaning I have started!!!

I turned 30..... Who Cares?!?!

It was my birthday 1 week ago I turned 30 and you know what? I am proud of every year!!! I have yet to feel it, I still get asked for ID 90% of the time. Here where I live the "legal" age to do anything (smoke, drink) is 19 years, so to be 11 years past that and still get asked for ID makes being 30 pretty liveable in my mind!!

If someone asked me if I was 19 again? Yeah at heart because that is how I feel inside, but NO would be the answer I would give you, I am proud of the years I have put on, I wouldn't give them up for the world!! Each and every year has made me who I am today!!

At the young age of 14 I met the man that is now my dear husband, and although at that time we met had you told me I was going to marry this man I would have laughed in your face, called you daft, and walked away giggling at the joke you just made.... However as fate had it you would have been right, we married young I was 20 he was 22 and everyone thought we were STUPID!!! At the age of 21 I gave birth to our first child our Beautiful Daughter, then along came our second A Handsome Son when I was 23, A Second Beautiful Girl entered my life at the age of 25 and at that point I had decided that I had, had all the children I wanted or needed to make my life satisfying (wrong again), a second little handsome son entered my life when I was age 26, notice a pattern here? I was wrong a lot? or maybe that every time I think my life is great and perfect, every time I think I got things figured out Life throws me another fast ball!!!

So although all of this seems like I have it great and perfect, I don't trust me!!! I am Happy, actually probably Happier today then I ever thought I would be. Now don't get me wrong I don't think I am happier then I was 10 years ago, only more experienced. I have had a lot of shitty learning curves to go along with that experience, you will learn of these as time goes.

The biggest thing that turning 30 has taught me is WHO CARES?!?!?! Really who cares??? Well for my 30th Birthday my Hubby through me a Party and I entitle it the WHO CARES party, because the ones WHO CARE but don't mind were in attendance, and the ONES WHO MIND and don't care were not!!! Of the 20 to almost 30 people who were in attendance guess how many of them (other then my children) were blood relatives care to guess??? 1 that is right only 1 a cousin, a cousin that I rarely saw growing up and only in the recent years have had the pleasure of getting to know (unfortunately under some of the worst circumstances) she is somebody I am told, I am a lot alike, and I have the rest of my life to figure out how much!!! I have 2 siblings neither of which were there!?! Where were they?? Too busy?? I guess!! Self absorbed?? I guess!! I will touch on that as time goes on!!!

Turning 30 brought a lot of realizations for me like “ WHO CARES?” but, it also brought a lot of work and I have a lot of soul searching to do! I said that for my 30th Birthday I wanted to do something I normally would not do something uncharacteristic for me and I did I got my first tattoo, not just any old unreflective tattoo, NO WAY!!! I got a tattoo that can not be duplicated, one that may look generic but when you get to know its meaning it holds a whole different light. This Tattoo is something I never thought I would actually do, it was something I had spoken about but if you had asked me ten years ago if I would ever get a tattoo the answer probably would have been NO WAY!!!! I think mainly it would be because of lack of guts!!!

On That note I think turning thirty that way has brought me guts… the guts to do all the things I normally wouldn’t do, say the things I normally wouldn’t say, stand up to the people I normally wouldn’t stand up to, but most of ALL say “NO” to the ones I normally would not!!! The ones who have been taking advantage of me for a long, long, really long time!! I look forward to year 30 I truly hope it holds the unexpected starting with the tattoo and onwards, and most of all I look forward to sharing it with those who are willing to read!! As for the ones who don’t well….

WHO CARES?!?!?!